Failure. Few words stir up as much anxiety in students or their parents. Yet it’s not failure itself that holds students back; it’s how they think about it.
Psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck’s research on the “fixed mindset” shows that when students believe their intelligence or ability is unchangeable, failure becomes a verdict instead of feedback. That belief, often reinforced by schools and parents, can quietly shape how students see themselves long before they ever set foot on a college campus.
In my work coaching students through the Flourishing Framework™, I’ve found that failure is one of the hardest dimensions to face honestly. Many high achievers arrive at college having spent years avoiding mistakes, chasing inflated GPAs, and equating effort with lack of intelligence (when the exact opposite is true). Then the first low grade or tough roommate situation hits, and suddenly the fear of failure feels like an identity crisis rather than a learning opportunity.
Here’s the truth: almost every student has been conditioned to have a fixed mindset to some degree. It’s not their fault, and it’s not yours either. The school system rewards right answers over risk-taking. Parents, often with the best intentions, praise results over effort. But once families understand how the fear of failure works, they can begin to reframe it through three powerful shifts.
1. Praise the process, not the product
Students who grow up hearing “You’re so smart” or “You’re a natural” often internalize the idea that success should come easily. However, as you well know, that is factually untrue. When things get hard, students assume something must be wrong with them. By contrast, students praised for persistence, strategy, and improvement learn that growth takes time.
Parents, remember that your role is now that of a coach. As your coach your students, try this small shift: when your student shares a success, replace “You’re brilliant” with “I love how you stuck with that, even when it got hard.” This redefines what matters. It signals that effort, not perfection, is the real source of pride. Over time, this helps your student associate struggle with strength instead of shame.
2. Redefine success as courage to show up and try
Most students see success as outcomes: good grades, leadership titles, and social status. But the students who flourish are those who learn to show up and try, even when the outcome is uncertain and sometimes not what they hope for. College will test this again and again—through missed opportunities, rejection letters, and many moments of self-doubt.
Parents can help by naming courage when they see it. If your student signs up for a challenging course, tries out for a team, or applies for an internship they may not get, celebrate the act of trying. Tell them that real confidence doesn’t come from always succeeding, but from choosing to keep going when you don’t.
3. Share your own stories of failure
The most powerful lessons about resilience come from parents who are willing to tell the truth. Students often see only the highlight reels of adult life. They don’t realize that the people they admire most have failed often and learned deeply because of it.
Talk about the times you stumbled. Maybe you didn’t get the job you wanted, when relationships didn’t work out, or when you made a financial mistake that turned into a life lesson. Share how it felt, what you learned, and how it shaped your growth. Be age-appropriate, specific about your failure, versus glossing over it. Instead of generically saying ‘it was really tough for a long time,” maybe you share: “it was so hard, for about a year, that some days success was simply showing up when I didn’t want to.” When failure becomes part of your family’s story, it loses its power to define or diminish. It becomes what it always should have been: a teacher and a source of strength and celebration.
Fear of failure doesn’t disappear overnight. But when families praise effort, redefine success, and normalize setbacks, students begin to see failure differently. It becomes less about what they lack and more about what they can learn and how they are becoming.
Remember, college isn’t designed to eliminate failure. It’s designed to teach students how to respond to it. And in that process—of trying, learning, and showing up again—they begin to develop the courage and curiosity that lead not only to success, but to true life flourishing.
You’ve got this, Coach!
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